The Familiar Pull

Hello, everybody. Back again, for one last post in 2013. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. And I hope this finds you all in great health and even better spirits. As for myself, I am feeling well, I guess. Things could be a lot better. But they could also be a lot worse. So it's best to keep things in perspective. But let's get into the piece shall we... If you guys remember I recently posted a small prose piece called, "A Small Confession" recently, and it was basically just me saying out loud that I'm just tired of being such a negative person. So I'm making a conscious decision to try and be a more positive person and use my natural openness and honesty in a more positive way. And of course, there's little voice in the back of my head that says it's pointless, but I have to give it an honest try. If for nothing else, than the prolonging of my sanity, lol. Which brings me to this piece. I'm feeling a touch of pride and dissatisfaction at the same time over it. The piece is called, "The Familiar Pull," and it speaks to my current state of being. I haven't been able to write poetry for weeks now, which left me frustrated in a sense. And last night, I was listening to the song "Secrets" by OneRepublic, and I suddenly became overwhelmed with an urge to write. And what I wrote is what follows. The title is completely apropos for this piece. Because while writing it, around the midway point, that I felt a familiar pull to write something negative about someone from my past, but by the end I consciously changed directions and tried to be more positive in the end. But the title is meant to convey something that we all have to deal with in our lives; the familiar pull of doubt. Trying to pull us back from the better things in life. The image below conveys how I feel doubt has treated the better parts of my personality, but life is too short to focus on shortcomings. We must all push forward through the fire known as life, and forge stronger and better versions of ourselves. But enough of my rambling, I'll let you get to the piece now. But thank you all for reading this. It means more to me than you will ever know. And get ready, because I have something great planned for the coming year...





"The Familiar Pull"
2013

Looks like another year is gone
And I'm lying in the same old place
The mirror's still fogging up
Hoping to avoid the same old face
And truly, there's a bitterness
Rising up inside my veins
But I don't want to be the man
That just constantly complains
So maybe while I'm lying here
And hoping that my life will change
I could finally get off my ass
Then moving on won't feel so strange
But as my body starts to rise
I'm feeling that familiar pull
And I'm thinking that I had my fill
Of seeing this glass any less than full
A heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
Friend, I used to think I had enough
But now I feel I need some more
I've spent my life behind these walls
And now I'm walking out that door
And out into this open world
So full of things I've yet to see
Past time to let these wings unfurl
And see how warm the sky can be
Tired of being on the ground
With this pair of angry knees
Taking things out on everyone
Moods shifting like the breeze
See, first I'd be up then down
While looking for a way around
The advice I did receive
Pretending I didn't hear the sound
But a heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
Spent so many minutes posturing
And acting like I know what's best
But now I've got a lot of room
To get this shit up off my chest
Girl, I used to be so consumed
With all this hatred for you
That I could forget about my lust
And focus on what you put me through
And if you were right here
I wouldn't shed a damn tear
I'd simply ask you, "where the hell you've been?"
'Cause we both know that it ain't been near!"
And a heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
And while I can't ignore the wrong I've done
I'm gonna focus on the right I'll do
And put my mind on much better things
And just ignore the sight of you
'Cause I can't ignore the things I've said
While doubt was ringing in my head
But you were just a fantasy
That never came to share my bed
And I can't ignore mistakes I've made
As I danced along my faults displayed
But I will start anew this year
Don't need to call a spade a spade
But there's something that I want to share
To the few people that always cared
If you give me just a little time,
I'm hoping the bridges that I tried to burn
Will finally be repaired
A heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
In closing on this brighter day,
There's a final thing that I have to say
If you start feeling a familiar pull,
You should know that it could be me,
Reclaiming all of those that I once pushed away...

A Small Confession...

A Small Confession From A Recovering Pessimist...

There are many who would read this, that know me. And there are some who would read it, that know of me. But to the ones who will appreciate this, they know one core thing about me: the vast majority of my short life, I have been a negative person. I mean, really negative. The kind of negative that almost makes a person not want to be around himself. And the truth of the matter is that, for most of my life, I have felt justified for feeling this way. There is something vaguely intoxicating about anger. The greater the perceived offense, the greater the desire for retaliation. The more you think about the wrongs committed against you, the more righteous you feel in the actions you take afterward. It's a cycle that continues to feed itself. Like, a dark and twisted form of ouroboros. And to a degree, this is how I felt. But my negativity was born from a much sadder place than that. It began in my teenage years, after the death of someone very close to me. And my survivor's guilt mixed with the guilt of having missed an opportunity to see them one last time, and suddenly, the snowball was rolling downhill. Not long afterwards, I began high school. And the mix of this black cloud of guilt along with puberty, bouts of depression, and being painfully unsuccessful with girls, led to a ground work being laid, that even now, years later, I am admittedly trying to undo. But I digress.

This cycle continued throughout my short stint in college, and up until about a year or so ago. Where I just naturally began to realize how extremely exhausting it was to be me. And I immediately began to feel sympathy for my friends and close family members for having to deal with me and my constant bitching and pouting, and for lack of a better term, "grandmarshalling" a decade-plus-long pity party. Now, looking back so much of my youth was so very wasted. And I truly have no one to blame but myself. But very recently, something happened to me. Back in June of this year, I was let go from my job. For no real justifiable reason. Not absolving myself of anything, I can get too comfortable at times. And even a little lazy. But I honestly, did nothing worth being let go over. I was being made a scapegoat for something beyond my control. Despite never missing a day of work and always doing what was asked of me. I helped anyone who I was physically able to help. But it was all for naught. And for awhile, I felt myself getting back into those familiar patterns of bitterness. Not because of being let go, either. I mean, that sucked, but it's not the end of the world. It was just for the disrespect I felt I had been shown. So I held some resentment to many people I used to work with. Not all, but many. Because I felt like, many of the people I considered friends there, kind of turned their back on me. For a place where news spread like wildfire, my phone and my facebook page were uncharacteristically silent. Only my boys Jay and Robert bothered to see what happened. Hell, when I was waiting on my paperwork in the office, no one would look me in the eye as they passed me in the hallway.

The only people that spoke to me or said anything kind to me in the office that were two people: Harry H. and Daryl S. And I will never, ever forget that. My "manager", she tried to comfort me, but that only infuriated me further, because I felt it was an act that was disingenuous, much like her and her previous interactions with me. But my point in all of this, is while I was just sitting here at my computer, watching short documentaries and dealing with a bit of insomnia... (I fell asleep too early, and now I'm wide awake) something hit me like a bolt of lightening. Getting let go from the place was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a place, that despite a laid back atmosphere, changes you as a person. You find yourself gossiping to an extent. You find yourself never really wanting to come to work. You notice people around you who will complain about their co-workers for hours, and then turn around and smile in their face. You notice people being resentful of others who are rumored to have received a small increase in their grossly low pay. People whisper about certain people who have blatantly cozied up to their supervisor.  You have people who will call their supervisor and report something you are doing, even though it's none of their business nor anything you are doing wrong. And I could go on and on and on. But I won't.

It was a fun and creative industry to be involved in, but in the end, it's not worth it. If you have to shovel shit and act like they are rosebuds, it's not worth it. If you work a full week's hours, and still find yourself with no money, despite being paid weekly, it's not worth it. If you have to compromise who you are as a person, just to "survive" the cut-throat nature of the environment, it's just not worth it. And the bottom line here is that while I greatly liked a handful of the people I worked with, I didn't like the person I had to be to work there. Being underpaid and under-appreciated isn't the way to go, I'll admit, but having to be underhanded isn't any way to live. So since I don't believe in a deity, I will thank those who brought about the circumstances for me being let go. Your actions, and my years of inaction, are now forcing me to become a better person. One worthy of the rest of this life, that I will be grateful to see. So challenge accepted.

From here on out, I will aim to burn with life. But I will never be so arrogant, as to assume that I gave myself the spark. For he who burns twice as bright, only burns for half as long. And half-full is no longer good enough for me. I hope to be good enough for this world.

Un fuerte.

- Clyde Hurlston.

The Lion And The Lamb

Well, little lamb... in this world, they are countless people searching for peace of mind. So I thought I'd take the time, to give you a piece of mine... 'Cause we have seen millennia pass since it was said that, “the bricks were fallen down," and that "we would build with hewn stones." While those full of gloom and doom said, "the sycomores were cut down, so we will have to change them into cedars..." and when I hear these things I laugh. For every generation there has ever been, man has contemplated this. Every man and woman ever born would all, eventually, wonder about their collective end. And so to many, the ebbs and flows of life, are signs. Apocalyptic signs. Little joys wrapped in misery, signaling the arrival of their deity of choice. And when I hear these things, I laugh. Oh, precious lamb of lore, your flock amuses me so. They are so eager... desperate, even, for their culling. Here they are in the valley, beneath the shadow of eventual death, and they do not even enjoy the shade! They are so busy looking up, with arms outstretched, placing one "pious" foot in front of the other, than they don't even see the edge they're walking off. Why? Because they're blind. Blind to the precipice in their logic. Defiant to any wisdom longer than a quotation. Arrogant to every text except those that are holy or those that come across their little mobile devices.... Hahahahaha... Oh, precious lamb, do you not see? Hahahahaha... Oh! And they are deaf too... Deaf to the pleas of those less fortunate than them. Here in this nation under your "Father," the meek and the poor are labeled freeloaders. All while your supposed flock puts their fingers in their ears, to make themselves deaf, when they are asked questions that your altered autobiography never answered. But, And let's not forget that they are dumb. For they have forgotten you, little lamb. They wear the symbol of your death... the literal burden you bore, as if to honor the act that brought about your demise, and not the intent from which you endured it. Isn't that dumb? No? Well how come they only remember your name when they need something? How come they only recall your "Father's" name with delight as they reach the peak of their orgasms?. And how come they only remember your name when a non-believer like me chooses to call you something else? Something like, simply a man. A profoundly brave, and down to Earth, man. Who was convinced that he was something that he was not. And yet, those who praise you now, would have been among the same ones that denied you after you broke bread with them. See, they praise you now... but they neglect your teachings, little lamb. The things you preached and practiced these modern fools call socialist. Saying that people like me are "the work of the devil." And your "Father" is just a character in the book they all love to own, but seldom read. He is the merely the name atop the paper currency they worship. They are far too busy keeping up with the Joneses, to ever worry about emulating the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Johns. But hey, fear not little lamb, my observations are merely that. They are gospel to no one but me.