The Familiar Pull

Hello, everybody. Back again, for one last post in 2013. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. And I hope this finds you all in great health and even better spirits. As for myself, I am feeling well, I guess. Things could be a lot better. But they could also be a lot worse. So it's best to keep things in perspective. But let's get into the piece shall we... If you guys remember I recently posted a small prose piece called, "A Small Confession" recently, and it was basically just me saying out loud that I'm just tired of being such a negative person. So I'm making a conscious decision to try and be a more positive person and use my natural openness and honesty in a more positive way. And of course, there's little voice in the back of my head that says it's pointless, but I have to give it an honest try. If for nothing else, than the prolonging of my sanity, lol. Which brings me to this piece. I'm feeling a touch of pride and dissatisfaction at the same time over it. The piece is called, "The Familiar Pull," and it speaks to my current state of being. I haven't been able to write poetry for weeks now, which left me frustrated in a sense. And last night, I was listening to the song "Secrets" by OneRepublic, and I suddenly became overwhelmed with an urge to write. And what I wrote is what follows. The title is completely apropos for this piece. Because while writing it, around the midway point, that I felt a familiar pull to write something negative about someone from my past, but by the end I consciously changed directions and tried to be more positive in the end. But the title is meant to convey something that we all have to deal with in our lives; the familiar pull of doubt. Trying to pull us back from the better things in life. The image below conveys how I feel doubt has treated the better parts of my personality, but life is too short to focus on shortcomings. We must all push forward through the fire known as life, and forge stronger and better versions of ourselves. But enough of my rambling, I'll let you get to the piece now. But thank you all for reading this. It means more to me than you will ever know. And get ready, because I have something great planned for the coming year...





"The Familiar Pull"
2013

Looks like another year is gone
And I'm lying in the same old place
The mirror's still fogging up
Hoping to avoid the same old face
And truly, there's a bitterness
Rising up inside my veins
But I don't want to be the man
That just constantly complains
So maybe while I'm lying here
And hoping that my life will change
I could finally get off my ass
Then moving on won't feel so strange
But as my body starts to rise
I'm feeling that familiar pull
And I'm thinking that I had my fill
Of seeing this glass any less than full
A heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
Friend, I used to think I had enough
But now I feel I need some more
I've spent my life behind these walls
And now I'm walking out that door
And out into this open world
So full of things I've yet to see
Past time to let these wings unfurl
And see how warm the sky can be
Tired of being on the ground
With this pair of angry knees
Taking things out on everyone
Moods shifting like the breeze
See, first I'd be up then down
While looking for a way around
The advice I did receive
Pretending I didn't hear the sound
But a heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
Spent so many minutes posturing
And acting like I know what's best
But now I've got a lot of room
To get this shit up off my chest
Girl, I used to be so consumed
With all this hatred for you
That I could forget about my lust
And focus on what you put me through
And if you were right here
I wouldn't shed a damn tear
I'd simply ask you, "where the hell you've been?"
'Cause we both know that it ain't been near!"
And a heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
And while I can't ignore the wrong I've done
I'm gonna focus on the right I'll do
And put my mind on much better things
And just ignore the sight of you
'Cause I can't ignore the things I've said
While doubt was ringing in my head
But you were just a fantasy
That never came to share my bed
And I can't ignore mistakes I've made
As I danced along my faults displayed
But I will start anew this year
Don't need to call a spade a spade
But there's something that I want to share
To the few people that always cared
If you give me just a little time,
I'm hoping the bridges that I tried to burn
Will finally be repaired
A heart displayed on my sleeve
Will only find a way to bleed
While leading me to believe
Inside I have all I'll ever need
It's time to walk into the sun
Find a little room to shine
Knowing that I'm far from done
So I'll let this world know that it's mine
In closing on this brighter day,
There's a final thing that I have to say
If you start feeling a familiar pull,
You should know that it could be me,
Reclaiming all of those that I once pushed away...

A Small Confession...

A Small Confession From A Recovering Pessimist...

There are many who would read this, that know me. And there are some who would read it, that know of me. But to the ones who will appreciate this, they know one core thing about me: the vast majority of my short life, I have been a negative person. I mean, really negative. The kind of negative that almost makes a person not want to be around himself. And the truth of the matter is that, for most of my life, I have felt justified for feeling this way. There is something vaguely intoxicating about anger. The greater the perceived offense, the greater the desire for retaliation. The more you think about the wrongs committed against you, the more righteous you feel in the actions you take afterward. It's a cycle that continues to feed itself. Like, a dark and twisted form of ouroboros. And to a degree, this is how I felt. But my negativity was born from a much sadder place than that. It began in my teenage years, after the death of someone very close to me. And my survivor's guilt mixed with the guilt of having missed an opportunity to see them one last time, and suddenly, the snowball was rolling downhill. Not long afterwards, I began high school. And the mix of this black cloud of guilt along with puberty, bouts of depression, and being painfully unsuccessful with girls, led to a ground work being laid, that even now, years later, I am admittedly trying to undo. But I digress.

This cycle continued throughout my short stint in college, and up until about a year or so ago. Where I just naturally began to realize how extremely exhausting it was to be me. And I immediately began to feel sympathy for my friends and close family members for having to deal with me and my constant bitching and pouting, and for lack of a better term, "grandmarshalling" a decade-plus-long pity party. Now, looking back so much of my youth was so very wasted. And I truly have no one to blame but myself. But very recently, something happened to me. Back in June of this year, I was let go from my job. For no real justifiable reason. Not absolving myself of anything, I can get too comfortable at times. And even a little lazy. But I honestly, did nothing worth being let go over. I was being made a scapegoat for something beyond my control. Despite never missing a day of work and always doing what was asked of me. I helped anyone who I was physically able to help. But it was all for naught. And for awhile, I felt myself getting back into those familiar patterns of bitterness. Not because of being let go, either. I mean, that sucked, but it's not the end of the world. It was just for the disrespect I felt I had been shown. So I held some resentment to many people I used to work with. Not all, but many. Because I felt like, many of the people I considered friends there, kind of turned their back on me. For a place where news spread like wildfire, my phone and my facebook page were uncharacteristically silent. Only my boys Jay and Robert bothered to see what happened. Hell, when I was waiting on my paperwork in the office, no one would look me in the eye as they passed me in the hallway.

The only people that spoke to me or said anything kind to me in the office that were two people: Harry H. and Daryl S. And I will never, ever forget that. My "manager", she tried to comfort me, but that only infuriated me further, because I felt it was an act that was disingenuous, much like her and her previous interactions with me. But my point in all of this, is while I was just sitting here at my computer, watching short documentaries and dealing with a bit of insomnia... (I fell asleep too early, and now I'm wide awake) something hit me like a bolt of lightening. Getting let go from the place was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a place, that despite a laid back atmosphere, changes you as a person. You find yourself gossiping to an extent. You find yourself never really wanting to come to work. You notice people around you who will complain about their co-workers for hours, and then turn around and smile in their face. You notice people being resentful of others who are rumored to have received a small increase in their grossly low pay. People whisper about certain people who have blatantly cozied up to their supervisor.  You have people who will call their supervisor and report something you are doing, even though it's none of their business nor anything you are doing wrong. And I could go on and on and on. But I won't.

It was a fun and creative industry to be involved in, but in the end, it's not worth it. If you have to shovel shit and act like they are rosebuds, it's not worth it. If you work a full week's hours, and still find yourself with no money, despite being paid weekly, it's not worth it. If you have to compromise who you are as a person, just to "survive" the cut-throat nature of the environment, it's just not worth it. And the bottom line here is that while I greatly liked a handful of the people I worked with, I didn't like the person I had to be to work there. Being underpaid and under-appreciated isn't the way to go, I'll admit, but having to be underhanded isn't any way to live. So since I don't believe in a deity, I will thank those who brought about the circumstances for me being let go. Your actions, and my years of inaction, are now forcing me to become a better person. One worthy of the rest of this life, that I will be grateful to see. So challenge accepted.

From here on out, I will aim to burn with life. But I will never be so arrogant, as to assume that I gave myself the spark. For he who burns twice as bright, only burns for half as long. And half-full is no longer good enough for me. I hope to be good enough for this world.

Un fuerte.

- Clyde Hurlston.

The Lion And The Lamb

Well, little lamb... in this world, they are countless people searching for peace of mind. So I thought I'd take the time, to give you a piece of mine... 'Cause we have seen millennia pass since it was said that, “the bricks were fallen down," and that "we would build with hewn stones." While those full of gloom and doom said, "the sycomores were cut down, so we will have to change them into cedars..." and when I hear these things I laugh. For every generation there has ever been, man has contemplated this. Every man and woman ever born would all, eventually, wonder about their collective end. And so to many, the ebbs and flows of life, are signs. Apocalyptic signs. Little joys wrapped in misery, signaling the arrival of their deity of choice. And when I hear these things, I laugh. Oh, precious lamb of lore, your flock amuses me so. They are so eager... desperate, even, for their culling. Here they are in the valley, beneath the shadow of eventual death, and they do not even enjoy the shade! They are so busy looking up, with arms outstretched, placing one "pious" foot in front of the other, than they don't even see the edge they're walking off. Why? Because they're blind. Blind to the precipice in their logic. Defiant to any wisdom longer than a quotation. Arrogant to every text except those that are holy or those that come across their little mobile devices.... Hahahahaha... Oh, precious lamb, do you not see? Hahahahaha... Oh! And they are deaf too... Deaf to the pleas of those less fortunate than them. Here in this nation under your "Father," the meek and the poor are labeled freeloaders. All while your supposed flock puts their fingers in their ears, to make themselves deaf, when they are asked questions that your altered autobiography never answered. But, And let's not forget that they are dumb. For they have forgotten you, little lamb. They wear the symbol of your death... the literal burden you bore, as if to honor the act that brought about your demise, and not the intent from which you endured it. Isn't that dumb? No? Well how come they only remember your name when they need something? How come they only recall your "Father's" name with delight as they reach the peak of their orgasms?. And how come they only remember your name when a non-believer like me chooses to call you something else? Something like, simply a man. A profoundly brave, and down to Earth, man. Who was convinced that he was something that he was not. And yet, those who praise you now, would have been among the same ones that denied you after you broke bread with them. See, they praise you now... but they neglect your teachings, little lamb. The things you preached and practiced these modern fools call socialist. Saying that people like me are "the work of the devil." And your "Father" is just a character in the book they all love to own, but seldom read. He is the merely the name atop the paper currency they worship. They are far too busy keeping up with the Joneses, to ever worry about emulating the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Johns. But hey, fear not little lamb, my observations are merely that. They are gospel to no one but me.

You Want A Poem?

You Want A Poem?
(A piece started in 2008, and finished today.)





The world is a jungle.
Filled with men, filled with mice.
Those seeking love. Those seeking vice.
Some seeking redemption. Some seeking sin.
Praying to a God with different names. Praying He'll let them in.
But I'm alone in the world.
Filled with people of every age. Filled with people of every shade.
Everyday a constant reminder. Of every mistake I've made.
And along comes a spider. Using the cover of night to hide her.
Singing songs to open ears. Hoping to alleviate any fears.

She tells to world that she wants me to be hers.
But she doesn't tell them that she only wants me for my words.
That if I'm foolish enough to let her in. The moment I put away my pen.
She will vanish. Like a mirage inside a desert wind.
For the spider is a selfish beast. And she doesn't want my art to cease.
Because she applies my dreams to herself. Saying her love is best for my health.

She thinks every uplifting word, was inspired by thoughts of her.
But instead, she makes our lives seem as bleak, as they ever were.
She tells her fellow spiders, that she is a muse for a modern-day Poe
Which is so far from the truth, but she hopes their jealousy will show
Because she is petty, and validates herself, through the attention of peasants
Then she gets mad, when their reaction, is so very far from pleasant
Foolish little widow, it is on my words that you should daily hinge
For you're a relapsing little junkie, and my poetry is food for your syringe

You are merely a glimpse of the woman I'd want.
And you're the pretentious witch that will forever haunt
Every ounce of respect I had for the woman in my dreams
Because flashes of your stupid face are clogging up the seams
So she's forced to hide in the corners of my mind
And now it takes my entire strength to find
A way to reach her hand
With your over-bearing, barely-caring,
When-you-don't-get-your-way-you-start-your-swearing
Shadow outstretched across the land.

Thanks for being a waste of words.

Gossip Is An Aphrodisiac...

Gossip is an aphrodisiac for the masses. It flows like blood through their circles. The smaller the community, the louder the whispers. The smaller the town, the larger the skeletons they collectively hide. Yet, piety is the mask they all wear. Pointing fingers in private, while flashing peace signs in public. Or in the cities, it may be middle fingers they flash depending on whose car they are leaning on. All so they can post photographic proof of living an exciting life, to gather likes and comments from people who never gave them the time of day in high school. But now after having played the field, now regurgitate a need to settle down and be taken seriously. So they take steps to become society's accepted form of life. All while rushing to procreate in order to ensure themselves some form of legacy. Creating something that will live long after they have come and gone. It's ingrained in all of us. On a subconscious level. Some more than others. Because we, yes I said "we," are an ever-growing collection of hypocrites and/or cyber-tyrants.

All feigning to be more stingy with the "fucks" we give, while sadly caring all too much...

A Quote That Spoke To Me...

"I did not hate God or Christ,
but merely the God and Christ of the people whom I hated"


-  Aleister Crowley

The Age Old Tune

Hello again everyone. I hope you all are well. Back with another poem. This one was a bit of a battle to write. But strangely, not the actual writing part. I debated for awhile as to whether or not I would post this one. Because I have a feeling that a friend of mine may wrongly think it's about them. But after thinking about it, I decided that I'm not going to censor myself. I'm going to post what I write, anyone else's feelings be damned. If the shoe fits... lol. And besides, they say it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission anyway. So I was actually driving late the other night, after spending time hanging out with a friend. So I was feeling rather well, to say the least. And so then, I started listening to the song, "Platinum" by Orgy, and suddenly the words started to flow. So I pulled into a gas station and opened the memo app on my phone and began to type. I wrote 8 lines that became the core and central theme of this poem. And it's also where the title was taken from. Then I got back on the road and went home. After waking up the next day, I decided I wanted to finish the poem. So I re-read those 8 lines, and then decided to listen to "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups, and the words began to flow again. And I ended up finishing the poem in that sitting. And what you will read here is the result. This poem is one I'm sure we can all relate to, in some form or fashion. It's basically about someone in your life who only knows you when they need something. Whether it's a favor or just someone to listen to their sob stories, they never need you until they need you. And this piece is written from the perspective of someone who is calling them on their shit. But enough of my rambling, lol. I'll let you all read it now. And as always, thank you so very much for reading this. It means more to me than you will ever know.

"The Age Old Tune"
2013

Actions are often justified
By a person's point of view
But it's time I sat you down
And made this point to you
So many smiles are wearing thin
At the simple thought of you
And I hate saying that
But it's only potent 'cause it's true
See, my limit's getting close
Like a cup bound to overfill
And once we pass the top
It's not only time we'll kill
But you're truly unaware
Of this present state of mine
'Cause you're so focused on a rose
That you forget about the vine
Friend, your fleeting happiness
It often brought me pain
But if I can be sincere
Then it's time I must complain
'Cause after every open ear
I've offered up to you
I've grown tired of the things
You always seem to do
See, inside I cringe a bit
When you find someone new
'Cause then it's every time
That I'm last to hear from you
And when I do you're bound to sing
That same age old tune
So now I'll wish you all the best
And expect your calling soon
Friend, this position that I took
In hopes to wake you up
Seems like just the kind of thing
That would surely shake you up
But now you're acting like
You were blindsided with the news
That you only speak to me
If and when you choose
But baby, let's be real
You only call when you're alone
And some other prince has left you
Through "no fault of your own"
And it's then you reach for me
'Cause I'm supposed to be the glue
That put you back together
And displayed the bright and shiny you
But you ask too much of me
And you do it oft enough
That the waves between my words
Became the one-fingered-kind-of-rough
And I hate it's come to this
But what's a man to do
When the only time I cross your mind
Is when nobody's next to you
And your fleeting happiness
Often brought me pain
But if I can be sincere
Then it's time I must complain
'Cause for every open ear
I've offered up to you
I've grown tired of the things
You always seem to do
See, inside I cringe a bit
When you find someone new
'Cause then it's every time
That I'm last to hear from you
And when I do you're bound to sing
That same age old tune
So now I'll wish you all the best
And expect your calling soon
If my phone starts lighting up
And it illuminates the room
I'll greet it with a mixture of
"I told you, so" and doom
But like the nicer guy I am
Or at least I used to be
I'll answer once it's passed
A ring, or two, or three
And then I'll barely say a thing
Just to let you sweat a bit
Then I'll forgo my wrath
Though you deserve the brunt of it
And I'll greet you with, "hello"
And ask what you're calling for
But we both know the truth
You're in pieces on the floor
But dear, I'm all out of brooms
I think you flew away with them
And that maybe the reason why
My outlook's kind of grim
But baby, don't you fear
You know I'll still hear you out
But once your sobbing's done
I need to tell you all about
How your fleeting happiness
Often brought me pain
But if I can be sincere
Then it's time I must complain
'Cause after every open ear
I've offered up to you
I've grown tired of the things
You always seem to do
See, inside I cringe a bit
When you find someone new
'Cause then it's every time
That I'm last to hear from you
And when I do you're bound to sing
That same age old tune
So now I'll wish you all the best
And expect your calling soon
Oh, do you hear that sound?
Is it my smile wearing thin?
Or is it what I feared?
Are you calling up again?
With yet another epic tale
Of the greatest love and loss
That sounds like every other one
That I've ever come across
Or do you have something new?
To finally offer me?
'Cause I confess that nowadays
I'm thinking much too selfishly
But you can blame in the least?
Or relate to it at the most?
'Cause you brought about the beast
And promptly chose it as your host
So don't start blaming me
If my shoulder's gotten cold
'Cause I already froze from yours
If the truth is being told
And now it's snowing in my room
The smallest lies are white
And silence is the gift
That you've given me tonight
Friend, your fleeting happiness
It often brought me pain
But if I can be sincere
Then it's time I must complain
'Cause after every open ear
I've offered up to you
I've grown tired of the things
You always seem to do
See, inside I cringe a bit
When you find someone new
'Cause then it's every time
That I'm last to hear from you
And when I do you're bound to sing
That same age old tune
So now I'll wish you all the best
And say good luck, my dearest fool...

Suffocate The Flame

Hello again everyone. You should know by now that I hope this finds you all in great health and even better spirits. Glad to say that I am back with another new poem. This poem in particular was part of a trilogy of unrelated poems that I started one night, over a month ago now, and just never finished. Thankfully, I revisited what I had written a few nights ago, and began to get inspired to write again. After listening to some A Perfect Circle, the gears began to turn, and I picked up almost right where I left off. And I say almost because this is one of those instances where the original thread I was working with, changed ever so slightly upon this re-visit. See, the poem is called, "Suffocate The Flame," and was inspired by a conversation I had with a very special person. She remarked to me how, in order to protect her heart and not feel too strongly for someone, she will make a conscious choice to ignore that person. Because, talking to them, and interacting with me will only make her want them more. And that is a train of thought that I can certainly understand. Because I've actually done that in the past. But it was after that conversation that I began to write originally. And the poem was going to have this underlying sentiment of someone basically saying to their lover that, "you want to forget me but you can't. Because no one else can love you or make love to you like I can." But that's the night that I hit the proverbial wall, and couldn't write anymore. But a few nights ago, when I did start to write again, the poem almost took on a life of it's own. And now the sentiment has changed from what was intended, to one of "you want to forget me, but you can't. But at the end of the day, you really should, because I'm no good for you." But of course, the actual poem is more verbose than that, lol. Anyway, I'll stop rambling and let you all read it now. I know I always say it, but it means the world to me that you all take the time to read all of this.
So thank you.
Really.
Thank you all so very much.

 

"Suffocate The Flame"
2013

Has my change in disposition
Left your feet on shaky ground?
Have the echoes of assumptions
Left you with a haunting sound?
Have you felt an emptiness
For which I am now to blame?
Or has there been a night
Where you wished to scream my name?
'Cause beneath the arm that sealed you in
Lies a place you'd go again
Where you were delighted slightly
Thinking this should happen nightly
And I know that you've been wishing
For things I did not provide
So there's no need to wonder
Why your feelings have been denied
You want to suffocate the flame
And hope it never burns
But you can't escape the heat
'Cause the body never learns
That you can't suffocate the flame
'Cause it will only rise
To the heights you've never seen
With your disgruntled eyes
Has withdrawal left you with it's symptoms?
Like a strong aversion to the fumes?
You know, the kind that left us blind
And stumbling 'til our dance resumed?
Baby, have I been your worst?
Or just the one you wish to love?
Or am I the darkened magnet that
You've failed to rise above?
'Cause beneath the arm that sealed you in
Lies a place you'd go again
Where you were delighted slightly
Thinking this should happen nightly
And I know that you've been wishing
For things I did not provide
So there's no need to wonder
Why your feelings have been denied
You want to suffocate the flame
And hope it never burns
But you can't escape the heat
'Cause the body never learns
That you can't suffocate the flame
'Cause it will only rise
To the heights you've never seen
With your disgruntled eyes
Such a circumstantial silence
Has filled the growing space
That's between the both of us
Since we were last face to face
But that is more my fault
Than it ever was your own
Since I've brought things to a hault
And left you all alone
But it's really for the best
If you're asking honestly
Because deep inside my chest
There's a hole within my soul
And no matter how I try
Or how much I used to pray
There's a doubt inside of me
That won't ever go away
So baby, you should leave me
And go about your better days
And you will forget me with some time
Then you can file me under, "phase."
And then you can find a man
That spends more time loving you
Than hating on himself
And maybe he'll even have
That good book on his shelf
Instead of lonely pictures
Fit inside of broken frames
Shit, maybe when we're done
We'll forget each other's names
But that's another thing I doubt
Since you were wonderful indeed
But now I will step aside
So you can find the affection that you need
'Cause beneath the arm that sealed you in
Lies a heart that barely beats
But it's trying to let its' anger go
Hoping that it has some more to show
And I know that you've been wishing
For things I did not provide
So there's no need to wonder
Why your feelings have been denied
You want to suffocate the flame
And hope it never burns
But you can't escape the heat
'Cause the body never learns
That you can't suffocate the flame
'Cause it will only rise
To the heights you've never seen
With your disgruntled eyes
But baby, if you blink
Please don't picture me at all
Because I don't deserve your thoughts
Nor do I deserve a call
So forget me for the best
Or remember at your worst
But never stop your moving on
The steps get easier past the first
And if you find me in a glass of wine
But sure to drink me down
'Cause things will go much smoother
If my reflection's not around
So don't the coldness of a beer
Remind you of me dear,
Nor let a straight shot of something hard
Force your pretty eyes to tear
'Cause what is meant to be will be
But I think it for the best
If you just stayed away from me
'Cause all I seem to do is weigh you down...

Virgin At Life

Hello, everyone. I hope you all are in great health and even better spirits. Back again finally with another new poem. This one had been in the works for awhile now. At one point, I had three different poems started. And all stuck at various points of incompletion. But thankfully, I was able to keep at this one and reach somewhat of a conclusion. I am still extremely unhappy with it. But I think that's more about it having been such an arduous process to finish, as opposed to the content. At certain points, it flowed well, and came together rather naturally. But at other points, it felt like I was metaphorically pulling teeth. But I decided to take it to the point where I no longer had anything else I could say, and stop there. And now I've decided to post it for two reasons. One, to see what people whose opinions I value think about it. And two, I just don't like going this long without posting something. It makes me feel like things are trapped inside my mind, and aren't getting their proper release. So here it is. This piece is called, "Virgin At Life." And it came to me late one night as I was listening to the song, "†his Is A †rick" by ††† (Crosses), and the mood of that song, just put me in a certain mood, and I began to write. The ideas poured out of me at first, and I began to write the story that is sort of quasi-autobiographical. It's written from the perspective of a young man who was painfully shy, and always down on himself. And there was a girl who wanted to change that, and wanted to be with him. But he basically refused to come out of his shell, and he would stay at home where he felt safe. But then one night, it felt like the walls were closing in, and he decides he's hand enough. So he runs away from home, and runs all the way into the city's club district to find his dream girl. And she has obviously has moved on from wanting him and doesn't seem to be the person she was. So he finds her and confesses all of the things he feels to her. But anyway, enough of my rambling, lol. I'll let you all get to the poem now. But thank you all for reading this. It means more than you will ever know.

 

 

"Virgin At Life"

2013

Sitting still in darkened corners

Oh, how wonderful the night can be

But I hear the walls, they're inching closer

With shadows closing in to crush me

But I stand up with a speed that blinds

Bursting through the door like water

Flooding minds with pleasantries

I want to stop but I keep running harder

My heart is pounding like a booming system

Do sensations know how much I've missed them?

Yes, inside this heart there are explosions

As I fight to escape my soul's erosion

For doubt has been a persistent tide

A constant force and thief of pride

Here, self-esteem was just a dream

But I keep running 'til my feet begin to scream

'Cause there were times, I wished to die

Just to be free of the strife

But it's on nights like this

I see that I'm a virgin at life

For the night, she wanted to love me

But I just hid in the day

Now I'm looking above me

And screaming, "baby, won't you take me away..."

That room of mine was a small cocoon

It stopped my wings from truly growing

Now I'm a moth that will chase the moon

And all the light she's surely showing

The city's shape, so very bent

With so many spots, that I could've went

But I went to the place, I'd been before

Where I sampled life, now I'm looking for more

Once young and dumb, now aged and numb

Looking for ways, that I can now become

That demi-god, in the books she read

That walked around, in her sleeping head

Proud and shirtless, and carved from granite

That piqued her interest, 'til she couldn't stand it

But this did not occur, and caused me stress

And when I look in the glass, I've only seen a mess

Now, my heart is pounding like a booming system

Do sensations know how much I've missed them?

Yes, inside this heart there are explosions

As I fight to escape my soul's erosion

For doubt has been a persistent tide

A constant force and thief of pride

Here, self-esteem was just a dream

But I keep running 'til my feet begin to scream

There were times, I wished to die

Just to be free of the strife

But it's on nights like this

I see that I'm a virgin at life

For the night, she wanted to love me

But I just hid in the day

Now I'm looking above me

And screaming, "baby, won't you take me away..."

And now there are many things, that I wish to know

A light once red, has gone green to go

Beyond the place, I will sojourn

For there are secrets in me, you'll wish to learn

Like my love for the way, in which you'd say

"Make love to me," while inside my mind

And in this dream, you stared into the ceiling

As I did that thing you like, that left you feeling

Like you once died, and were then revived

By this tongue of mine, as you came alive

Now won't you look at me, tell me dirty things?

As we become entwined, until your body sings?

Or would you prefer, to climb atop?

And lose your mind, until I beg you to stop?

'Cause my heart is pounding like a booming system

Do sensations know how much I've missed them?

Yes, inside of you, there are explosions

As I fight to escape my love's erosion

For hate has been a persistent tide

A constant force and thief of pride

Girl, I thought you were just a dream

But I'll keep loving you 'til my heart begins to scream

'Cause there were times, I wished to die

Just to be free of the strife

But it's on nights like this

I see that I'm a virgin at life

For the night, she wanted to love me

But I just hid in the day

Now I'm looking above me

And screaming, "baby, won't you take me away..."

And now this search I'm on,

Has me much closer to serenity

So until all my doubt is gone

Girl, won't you take my virginity

Not in the classic sense

Or said with false pretense

But as in rebirth by your touch

I've been dead inside for so long

That you couldn't touch me too much

So use your fingertips and start peeling away

All the things that I've done and wished I would say

Then make love to me, and it's in this Heaven I will stay...

When Am I A Man?

"When Am I A Man?"

 

 

When am I a man?

That is the question you must first understand

Before finding the answer you've begun to seek

When the knowledge can be comprehended before I begin to speak

When are fantasies as real as they can seem?

Is it the nights when I infiltrate your dreams?

Can I compose your happiness today?

A song and smile to be sent your way

When do the birds sing upon your windowsill?

Is it when you lie awake in our bed so still?

When can the words good morning dance across your face?

Like when you missed our hello kiss, and can still drink its taste

When can you feel a look more than a touch?

When nothing is said and that alone is too much

Is it when you whisper to me of your request?

When to fulfill a wish I do my best?

But there will be days when your friends envy us

As their support gives way to such hateful lust

They long to feel the passion burns

With which we brand our hearts as this planet turns

It is true, my actions at time can be abrasive

But your touch is calming, and yet so persuasive

God knows best for me, and that my dear is true

Am I the blind man lost, within the parameters of you

Memories guide my way, and helped me to find today

But I asked a question first, so this is what I have to say

When am I a man?

Or more importantly when did I become a man?

Was it the day I was given the gift of life from the Lord above me?

Yes that could be,

But baby I believe I became a man,

On the day you first said you love me.

 

 



Broken Voice

"Broken Voice"


A short, but melancholy tale of an old man living his last days alone.
He is full of regrets over things he wished he had done in his youth.
Now, he spends most of his time praying to God.
Whether for another chance at life,
Or for forgiveness,
Or for God to take him from his misery
We will never know.

 

Down a corridor so cold and pale

Lies a soul so strong yet frail

He lies motionless as minutes past

A sinking feeling shall forever last

Who knows not its rhyme or cause

But between each breath a shallow pause

A soul so pure can weep in pain

In the grips of this solitude again

Who knows his horrors have no bounds

Attentive ears hear no sounds

No one but God hears the cries

Blind to truths, he lies awake to lies

The lies of a life unfulfilled

Inspire tears to join the spilled

What is life without a warm embrace

To see a smile shine upon his face

They say he loves this darkened state

That's why he'll refuse to clean his slate

To start again, to start a new

To be reborn within the heart of you

But do not weep, for you do not care

How your life would be, if he wasn't there

Would you notice as the day went by

That he didn't offer one last goodbye

Were there things you should've have said

It's much too late, your chance is dead

As I return to this cage of mine

Not in flesh, but inside the mind

Just know what he gave, he gave by choice

Now you're left with a song from the broken voice...

My Pledge

"My Pledge"

This is a short piece, written purely out of anger.
It was written during the first few days of President Bush's ordered invasion of Iraq.
I believe it was called, "Operation Iraqi Freedom."
But I basically remembered the things I believed about our country growing up.
How we were this shining example of freedom and liberty.
And how we were this righteous, melting pot of people.
Who always stood up for what was right, and punished those who were wrong.
But the older I got, and the more I paid attention
I had to be more and more honest with myself.
These things I believe growing up aren't entirely true,
and they are not altogether false, either.
At the end of the day, our country's beautiful name is tarnished
by those who in power, who use our resources to pursue their own gains.
And sadly, it is a slap in the face to realize these things.
So that is why I wrote this piece.
I felt wrong essentially rewriting our Pledge Of Allegiance.
Because I really do believe those words.
But I felt that it was the best way to convey the anger I truly felt.
But I intentionally made the piece short, so as to minimize the disrespect to our pledge.
I just felt these things needed to be said.


I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the united nation that we once had

A nation that never wavered on moral ground

But has now lost its' soul and it is so very sad

And the republic for which it stands

Has sent its precious children to distant lands

To fight an enemy with no regards for life,

Much less liberty and justice for all

Yet like heroes true, they answered every call

Marching into the unknown

To defend the principles and values that once were shown

By those in charge of a so-called nation under God

Yet when dollar signs have blatantly replaced a crucifix

Then the nation's rulers are conspicuously flawed

For they are paid to lie and destroy our sovereignty at any cost

And I look to the Heavens above,

To see if there are more than souls than I, who can see we're lost

 



Ecstasy

"Ecstasy"

This is another short piece, written as a sort of playful series of boasts
that a man is telling his woman after making love throughout the night.
He is feeling quite proud of himself, because he believes
that he just spent his night thoroughly pleasing her.
But eventually, he realizes that after all of their love-making, and
now his gleeful gloating, a substantial amount of time has passed.
And as a result, his beloved woman is going to be late for work.
So he then begins to rush her to get ready for work,
all while assuring her that his rushing is out of concern for her job,
and not simply to get rid of her.
Because he truly, truly loves her.

Ecstasy,

Far from some little colored pill

But an honest to God thrill

That I get when you make that sound, of joy abound

As if signaling to the Heavens

The arrival of a god into the parameters of your being

Of which for me, cannot rival seeing

That sparkle in your eyes, as I drift slowly beneath your navel

Which somehow makes me able

To speak in tongues with my tongue

Words that only your other pair of lips can understand

Which causes painted nails to dig into my skin

Like the way the roots of trees penetrate the sand

And oh my do I, love the way you shiver, the way you quiver

Like somehow the temperature has dropped

My ego inflates as you gasp, like a child

When their new balloon has unexpectedly popped

And because you taste like water from a spring, and with your tongue

You can do that one certain thing

It makes me wanna drop down to one knee, and give to you a ring

Filled with diamonds, whose beauty cannot hold a candle to your own

But under the candlelight, you are divine, in the moonlight, you are a goddess

And if I can be honest, I am so glad that you are mine

But nothing can match the feeling that I get, from seeing you get wet

With sweat mind you

After a night of giving me your all, after I have given you mine

You should really hurry and get dressed, or you'll be late for work

Babe, I'm serious, just take a look at the time

But wait, one last thing before you go

You asked me what is ecstasy

It's being able to put my hands, my lips, and my fingertips

On any and every part of you

Because I know that you truly love me

And yes my dear, I do love you too.

 



Dream Girl?

"Dream Girl?"

This was a piece that was written as an exercise at first.
I wanted to test myself and see if I could write about a particular topic,
but at the same time put a different spin on that topic.
So what follows here is that exercise.
I took the topic of a dream girl, and instead of writing about my dream girl,
I wrote from a perspective that many guys could relate to.
I imagined being back in high school, and wanting that most popular girl.
That scenario you see in movies all the time.
The shy, introverted guy likes the girl who was prom queen and head cheerleader, etc.
So basically that guy narrates the piece,
and he speaks as if he was triumphant in winning this girl over.
And he is kind of boasting about it.
But as the piece progresses,
you slowly start to see my feelings about a dream girl creep through.
Until you get to the last half of the final line of the piece,
in which my, not the narrator's, true feelings arise.

 

I did what they said could not be done

When they said your affection could not be won

But I now possess what is not easily attained

Because they said your heart was too fragile, your style was too vain

But somehow you opened up to me

And showed me things that I was too blind to see

Like how your lips were fuller, than the moon on a winter night

And the sensation your fingers left, felt so very right

On this skin of mine, that only longed for your caress

And you answered my call, this heartfelt signal of distress

You wiped my tears, with the lightest of hands

They were warm yet soft, like the whitest of sands

Like we were on a beach, at the edge of the world

How can I thank the Lord, for the love of this girl

That's when the covers fell off, and I began to feel cold

And then I awoke, to what's considered the same old

Life that I've been living, away from her embrace

Burned in my memories, is the image of her face

I walked around the house, to see if she was there

A search unsuccessful, and now I am pulling out my hair

As all I could smell, was the scent of her perfume

And all I could find was disappointment, in every other room

That's when I stopped, and dropped to my knees

Looked toward the sky, and begged the Lord please

To return this girl to me, so I can keep my mind

The response came sudden, and what did I find

That it was all a dream, like a movie in the brain

So I'll go back to sleep, just to dream of her again

I know should not, but how could I resist

I love my dream girl, even though she never did exist...

What's The Use Of Beauty?

"What's The Use Of Beauty?"


This was a piece that was written purely out of anger.
I had been listening to some rock music,
and kind of just writing random phrases, hoping to get these emotions out.
But finally, true inspiration hit, and I began to write.
The first things that came to me were actually the last 8 lines of this piece.
And to keep the fires going, so to speak,
I just imagined the face of a girl that I used to like.
I kind of took a liking to her faster than I should have,
because I'm not an ordinary kind of young man,
and we had so many things in common.
But as it turns out,
liking her turned out to be a giant waste of time and emotions.
Thankfully, I was able to use the thought of her, to write this.
I pictured sitting across the table from her,
and delivering each line I wrote,
and seeing the tears stream down her ridiculous face.
And not surprisingly, I felt quite gratified after writing this piece.
And  I also, found the picture below online.
I thought it perfectly symbolized the theme of this poem.
No matter how beautiful someone may be,
they all have a side they hide from people.
They all have an ugly side.
So really, what's the use of beauty?

"What's The Use Of Beauty?"
2013

My pretentious pretty princess
With a crown that glowed invisible
The ruler of nothing worth anything
Who lacked every valued principle
Unaware, every costume that you don
Just hides your lack of self-esteem
And the crowd you're following
Is the true, pathetic sort of team
Or at least that is what I hear
From those closest to your view
And I believe them to a fault
Because the one descrbed is you
And I know just how you are
And it's not good to say the least
Yet when I tried to show the kinder side
You chose to wake the beast
Now you must deal with the consequence
Of the actions that you took
Like when you described our interactions
And just how you made me look
How dare you, little darling
To present yourself as this
Talking like I only bothered you
And didn't bring your inner bitch some bliss
When your calls were few and far between
And oft contained a need
So you'd hurl insults at yourself
Hoping your ego's what I'd feed
And I fell for it in the beginning
But then I figured out the game
So I began to play it better
And never heard you once complain
Yet, let's not forget the topics
We chose on the lonely nights
When you told me how you liked it
And told me how it was so very tight
Claming that since you were so small
You didn't always need it large
But when you didn't get what you wanted
You'd reach for your boyfriend that you'd charge
And he'd start dancing where you asked him
Causing everything to shake
Giving your toes their familiar curl
Until you had all that you could take
And confessions continued coming
Like the way you did in my thoughts
But I'll leave some secrets where they lie
'Cause some things should remain between just you and I
But don't take that shade of mercy
As some forgiveness for your crimes
Because you were a waste of my emotions
On so very many times
And I'm not claiming that I'm perfect
No, I have far too many flaws
But the difference is I liked you
And I hate you now because
I was just bragging rights for you
When you wanted to look strong
But on the nights you felt alone
You'd sing your all too familiar song
But now you have found another
And after loving him online
You finally got a chance to meet him
And then waste his precious time
But although he journeyed far to see you
And doesn't regret it on this day
I will sit back and count the hours
Because I know you will surely find a way
To drive him up the walls
That I once tried to climb
Until he leaves you to your lonesome
And that day will be sublime
Because you're the kind person
That wears thin so very fast
And you're better in small doses
So forever doesn't have a chance to last
And I'm sure that makes me sound
Like the most bitter of the men
That ever sought to be the rooster
Deep inside his favorite hen
And I'll accept that comparison
And I'll wear it like a stain
But after each daydream I wasted
I felt emboldened to complain
But I'm actually getting madder at myself
For writing all these words
Because if I'm being honest
It's more than your sorry ass deserves
And what you think of me from here
I'll leave up to your discretion
But you can do me this final favor
And answer this nagging set of questions
What's the use of beauty
If there's a fool beneath the smile?
And what's the use of duty
If an offered inch becomes a mile?
And what's the use of talking
If you have nothing smart to say?
Oh, what's the use of walking
When you wouldn't meet me half the way?

Dementia

"Dementia"

In my darkness may your triumphs find light
In my wrongs may your realize the things that are right
In my soul lies a pain that shall acquiesce to your touch
In my heart there is thought of you hurting me much
Do you smirk at my intuition? Do you deny such logic?
Do you wish to deplete my mind? While keeping for yourself it's profit
Are you cold-hearted? Do we share that emotion?
Do you wish me to suffer? Or do you bring to me devotion?
Will you give me your love, and all the things I ask?
Or am I too overwhelming? And is that too great a task?
Speak to me in your native tongue, and I'll respond without words
Take my heart and soul at once, like a shepherd's gathered herds
But there I dare to glance and say, they come with a lofty price
With my love comes vengeance, please choose to heed this advice
Love me and do me wrong, I'll follow you to the Gates of Hell
Brand you with my Scarlett Letter, and wish you wear it well
Why are my thoughts so dark, is what you often wonder
It's because I've been drowned in light, and the sun's shine never reaches under
Under the weight of the pain, I've placed on myself
Collecting dust is the Bible, that lies upon the shelf
That displays that picture of you, the one my eyes can't bare to see
In remembrance of things you did, to prove your lack of care for me
I wish it not to be this way, but it's how I've always been
Even when this life was well, my outlook was steady grim
I know not who to blame, so I'll blame the one I hate
The one who I see inside this looking glass, the keeper of my fate
But this person's not in focus, seems the glass won't let me see
The one who it is I hate,
But now it seems I can, and alas the one I hate is me...

A Voyeur's Testimony

"A Voyeur's Testimony"

Through a window slightly ajar, a breeze filled the room
And the chill it delivered, could've been interpreted to bring an impending doom
But as candle lights were extinguished, bedsheets rustle in the wind
And it was then we caught a glimpse, to a world they let us in
There was movements in the sheets, as the wind increased just a bit
Suddenly I blinked, and noticed that once again, every candle was lit
As if the breeze had barely made them stray
And they were going to mirror the passion, that inspired them to stay
Burning like the desire, these mysterious souls feel
Feeling like nothing else existed, as if lust was the only thing that was real
Compliments danced on her skin, like newlyweds on reception night
And her eyes shined, like stars swiftly shooting out of sight
Her long, dark hair fell into her face, like waves crashing onto a shore
And the quiet song she sung, seemed to expose her need for more
With each peak she reached, pleasure eroded the pain in her past
At this rate, she'll be reborn tonight, so she dreams it will forever last
The only pain she'll feel again, is the kind that makes her feel alive
With every thrust, she clawed at him, like she was trying to survive
The fall she was sure to take, for the one who made her feel this way
She thought he was a dream, so she closed her eyes tight, with intentions he would stay
But when she open them slowly, she realized she was far from being alone
And with a change in speed, she gasped for breath, and let out a most-approving moan
Her nails pierced his skin, like the flag of an explorer marking uncharted land
And her hair again parted like the sea, with a simply stroking of his hand
But as their movements reached such uncontrollable speeds
It seemed as if they were ready to see the results of their church-forbidden deeds
And in a second their cries combined, to leave an impression in my mind
They sunk into the arms, of the ones they fought so hard to find
And that would be each other, but that wasn't the ending of the tale
Because it was then, in the mirror I saw a reflection of a male
And this mystery man, seemed to have features that closely resembled mine
And then I realized, that this incident had only occurred inside my mind
But as I stared at myself a little longer, a hand moved across my chest
And it was my insatiable lover, ready again after her moment's rest
She said to me, "stop replaying in your mind, what we can easily do again."
So it is here I must leave you, and leave what happens next, to your imagination friend.

But, You Get The Idea...

"But, You Get The Idea..."

 

Regurgitated whispers

Are leaving tongues with blisters

Subtle marks of Cain

For a truth laid slain by stones

Who can one truly trust

When trust is troublesome

A burden of loyalty

Too strong for weakened shoulders

For not everyone is Atlas

Or Samson for comparison

But oh well, what the hey

Draped in fleas with dogs I lay

But look at you and yours

Troubled graphs, in shattered frames

And growing with the list of names

Are the cases for which you're assigning blames

Yet who am I to give a shit?

Whether or not your tale's legit

You spin so many webs

My arachnaphobia's kicking in

And the foolish pride we're prone to feel

Is like a sharpened knife that's sticking in

Between the third and fourth rib

That allegedly made a woman long ago

In the pages of a dusty book

That I gave up reading for a decade plus

But enough of that holier-than-thou

It's not worth the sweat from my brow

Much like you and yours

At least from my perspective

You know, the one that you've long since collected

When you needed to vent

About your dramas so vast

That conversations poured onward

For hours they'd last

And my attention? Often waned

My patience? Often drained.

My body? Often pained.

Because in your life, you oft complained.

But that's your usual shit.

Mountains and mole hills.

Inferred arguments,

And hurled insults for thrills.

But the truth is, you only raise your voice

To those who are weak.

And not every time,

Some authority figure would speak.

'Cause you're not a rebel.

You're a fool with a story to sell.

And knack for playing a role

On both sides of the fence

Feigning concern for each party

Cloaked in your shrouded pretense

But when left without a defense

You stopped down to lying

In hopes to justify your trying

To do any fucking thing

Besides bragging about banalities

And testing all our sanities

Or hurling your profanities

And the few fools who once inflated your vanities

Ha aha ahahahaha aha hahahaha ahahahahaha haha

You are pathetic, aren't you?

At least I think you are.

I mean all that bragging and boasting

Has it gotten you very far?

I didn't think so.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I once sang a similar song.

But that voice had gotten hoarse.

And that sorry shit had run its' course.

And in truth, it was about as real

As the gods of the Aztecs and the Norse.

But hey, let's not put the cart before the horse.

Or try to hide our eyes from the blinding force

Of a sobering reality.

'Cause this wasn't written to make you mad at me.

But honestly, as a hope that you

Would finally shut the fuck up already.

Could you do that for me?

Or for all of us maybe?

Thanks.

I appreciate it.

Well, not really.

But, you get the idea...

Lacking Suggested Grace

"Lacking Suggested Grace"

When happiness is lying still

In the truest vegetative state

Near a stack of fabled texts

About a god I must forsake

A decision pondered long

Without a trace of haste

For my days are fleeting fast

I've not a seventh one to waste

And I know this bitter truth

Hurts you so very much

But there hasn't been a place

That misery has failed to touch

And if it's somebody's will

Or part of some grander plan

Then I would rather try to fill
My mind with things I understand

But I just wanted you to know

This pain I've caused to you

Wasn't done intentionally

But what was I to do?

After suffering through the pain

Of much self-doubt and strife

Knowing the path was arduous

And embattled like my life

But pity not this wretched soul

Lacking such suggested grace

Because I did discover peace
When I awoke and saw your face
Lying picture perfect in it's place
Like a portrait with a pulse
The might of beauty in a glance
Often overwhelmed my circumstance
But it's this search for answers
That has drove a wedge between
My non-believing state of mind
And this darling girl serene
And while not knowing's beautiful
When you're often fond of mystery
But these questions linger still
And they're gnawing at my sanity
Like, "why are we really here?"
"Will I always be alone?"
"Why am I daydreaming of a stage,
As if, it should be my home?"
"Why am I lacking confidence
Or any shade of love for self?"
"Why do so many place their faith
In the dusty, book upon my shelf?"
"Where is this supposed God?"
"Does He not see us failing him?"
"Or is He too concerned with praise,
And not the inner light that's glowing dim?"
"Must we always bow before we pray?"
"Does He ego need a constant stroke?"
"Constant worship for the insecure,
Aren't these words on which I should choke?"
But there are the truest thoughts of mind
Often thought in anger for a time
And I'm still looking for a reason
I just took the day to make them rhyme
I seek not to offend a reader
Merely alleviate the stress
That has become the avalanche
That's truly left my mind a mess
But I feel the anger rising up
When I think of bodies laid to rest
In the name of their belief
Worn so proudly on their chest
But with so many gleeful sheep
How could the shepherd ever fail
In the eyes of a growing flock
That feels He always will prevail
And you can't ever slip some reason
Into the cocktail of their choice
Because it's their angelic choir
That is drowning out your angry voice
So it's better to leave them to their tales
While a search for reason lingers on
As we forget about the buttons
The politicians have their fingers on...