A Foreboding Sense Of Love

With a darkness overwhelming,
I believe my world's adrift
But then she revealed herself to me
As if she was a living, breathing gift
That was wrapped in beauty
And held together with some grace
Complete with perfect imperfections
Radiating brightly from her space
With a smile that would rival suns
And lips that drew ire from the clouds
She means so very many things
That I would hesitate to say aloud
But there is a heaviness with my chest
And a paralyzing kind of fear
That I have failed to rise above
It's as if there's some emotions crawling in
And I feel this foreboding sense of love
"But how can this be," I ask
As if there were answers to be found
Knowing full and well that I could scream
But I would fail to make a sound
Because she left me speechless
Ever since she slyly stole a kiss
And placed her anchors in my bones
Pulling me ever closer to the bliss
That I have labeled highly sought for years
But never came close enough to me
So gravity failed to hold it near
And my happiness never grew to be
But here in the present tense
I am left confused,
With a mind that's racing
And nothing making sense
My heart feels so heavy
That it hurts to even breathe
Is the water slipping through my hands
Am I expected to believe
That I could be given such a gift
Only to have it taken back
Without a hint much less my consent
Leaving me unable to prevent
Is this the fate of all non-believers
For failing to repent
But what if angels hide their horns
The way that roses hide their thorns
And what if everything we'll ever do
Was planned before we're born
And what if devils never dance
Beneath the palest of the moons
And what if ancient kings never hid
Precious treasures in their tombs
What if those who kneel in prayer
Make requests from time to time
And what if one who rambled as much as me
Became some sort of pantomime
All while thinking what if human is divine
And what if the universe conspired
All to help and make her mine
So she can be the Magdalena to my Christ
Should I be worth her sacrifice
And if loving her was wrong
I would gladly pay the eternal price
With torture through the days
And longer nights bathed in flame
But I would gladly give my life
To make sure her fate was not the same
So if there be a true king of kings
Tell his majesty that I and I alone
Will shoulder all the blame
So please don't tear her from my reach
All to allow her to remain
Within the kind of alabaster jar
That would leave her subjected to the shame
Of maintaining a facade
All for the sake of righteousness
While knowing that her heart, mind, and soul
Would recommend her fighting this
And without a bit of confirmation
I have caused something beautiful to occur
For I have re-lit the Greek fire deep within her
And it drew the most poetic moth there ever were
But this foreboding sense of love was proven true
So what is this proudest fool to do
When I'm falling for the one I'm not supposed to have
But I'm incomplete without her
Like anything of importance
Missing its' other, better half
So I can try to ignore the very sight
That has only brought me joy
Or I could pretend I'm not close enough to feel her
When I'm making an honest living
By driving for the place that I'm employed
And I could try to make believe
Hell, I could even try to run
But see, her metaphoric anchors
Still reside within my bones
And they have a magnetic sort of pull
So I think it's time that I admit
That yes, there is a pain within my chest
From a heart that's heavy
And truly hard to bare
But that's only because it's the first time,
In who knows how long,
That this beating heart of mine,
Is finally,
And truly feeling full.
And it's all because of her.
My walking dream that's come to life.
Who knows that I wish to be beneath her,
Just to make her come tonight.
But I fear she knows of the darkness deep within
That I fight to hold at bay
In fear that it would consume the spark
That she is trying to help to stay
But here where the nightingales sing
Lies a tender, tender heart
Displayed upon a sleeve for many years
And so the healing failed to start
But now that she has arrived
In a most unexpected of the ways
I feel the honesty rising up inside my throat
Wanting to confess to this wretched world
About how she has left me so amazed
But there is a part of me that wonders
Just what I mean to her
And I wish I could see inside her mind
And behold the wonders there to find
To see in my face is ever displayed upon the walls
Like art from the renaissance
Or if a certain part of me has become a need
That's left her unsatisfied with wants
But am I even making sense?
Have I rambled on again?
Have I finally stopped my years of losing?
Is she the prize I've always sought to win?
I think that she is.
But I can feel that heaviness coming back,
My chest is straining still to bare the weight
All I can know for certain,
Is that to have her all to myself,
Even if it's only for one night
Would convince me that this universe of ours
Was on a mission just to prove,
That thirty years would be truly worth the wait.

The Sadist In The Waves

It's time we sound the alarm,

Yes, it's time to let the sirens blare.

To alert the disenchanted,

And inspire them to care

Whether it's for their self and preservation

Or just to watch what might occur

'Cause things may forever change

And be removed from what they were

It seems the dam has held its' own

It displays its' bravest face

But the tide is prone to climb

And by the noise we're hearing now,

This appear to be the case.

But you can only restrain the natural ways

If they consent to play along

Otherwise the sadist in the waves

Will unleash the depths of his addictions

Upon the unsuspecting masses

Who build the homes that become the graves

Where we will bury expectations

And accept living things as they are

Because we all want someone to love us

But we're prone to taking things too far

And just beyond that imagined ledge

Is where we often find the things

That have been allergic to our grasp

For what was felt like centuries

And that seems to be the pattern of the print

That some would call the fabric of our lives

Knowing disappointment can unravel everything

By removing pins that cut like knives

But my point in all of this,

May end up being just as lost as I have been

While seeing my youth draining into the bottom half

Of a glass that marks the hours

With a myriad of gentle grains

That unknowingly accumulate to mock

The seemingly everlasting duration of my pains

See, for years I have been lost in bitterness

In the center of a maelstrom self-designed

So many things failed to matter

Expect finding a way to justify the darkness in my mind

Hatred for self became the writing on the glass

That was invisible in natural light

But was well read when alone,

Causing reflections to warp and distort the present

Until it played out exactly like the past.

But that is neither here nor there,

'Cause the metaphoric, once-referenced dam

Is really the cage some would call my ribs

That contains a mortal, but hardened beast

Aching for release after a youth spent in bondage.

But the shackles still in place,

Have great reasons all their own.

For they know the beast was often wounded,

When it was left in any state but alone.

And the thought of love was a mirage

Like a phantom island in the sea

The answered prayer of drowning sailor

Hoping that it was paradise indeed

But that dreamboat was capsized by reality

And run aground by doubts

But now since the sight of love ,

Seems tangible and so very close

The beast begs for confirmation with its' shouts

But the soul brave enough to be

The one who will come and turn the key

Must be well aware of what she's doing

For the love within these walls

Would overwhelm and drown the weak

As well as it would truly suffocate the meek

But if this imagined goddess excels

At riding out the swells

Then maybe she could find a way to tame

The bleeding wounds, pouring out the shame

The beast has, for failing to live within the fields

Where some have been said to stop,

And smell the roses here abound

For it was too busy rebuilding all the pieces

That had fallen to the ground

But the previous siren I described

Is also a warning to the girl

For the only thing more powerful than this beastly love

Is its' unfiltered and potent hate

Distilled to make you regret your very birth

And it would certainly help you,

To shake in your fragile space,

And loudly curse about your fate.

But enough of this discussion,

The walls have proven themselves to be,

The opposite of steady.

So now they are coming down,

I am prepared to let the water take me.

The question is, darling...

Are you finally ready?

My, What A Fool I've Been

The title says it all.

In a way I never could.

Short, succinct.

Sharpened to the point.

And so hyperbole is gone.

Leaving only room for brutal truth.

I have been a slave to my doubts.

And been selfish with my gifts.

I've allowed my mind to be dulled by dreams.

And allowed my soul to be tainted with the stain of hope.

For hope is the worst thing one could have.

It makes you weak. Brittle.

Prone to kneeling with lips that spill their whispered wants.

In the hopes that someone will save them.

And no one will.

Because no one is listening.

And i have been the fool that thought because i was willing to change,
that maybe the world would too.

But i was delusional.

A mind clouded and drunk on optimism.

A state that never fit me well.

Because when left to face the truth, the honest know it can't be overlooked.

I had thought my treasure hunt would end.

That all the years of digging deep and moving on wouldn't be for naught.

But my, what a fool i was in.

Dreams of gods and goddesses, entwined in imagined hieros gamos.

A form of pretended transcendence, an escape from the bitterness and pain.

All while ignoring reality.

I wasn't a god engraving his name on gorgeous temple walls.

I was the ugly beast in the bell tower, ringing loud in shame.

Hoping someone would hear his calls.

But he got nothing.

That same nothing that he felt for years.

The familiar numbness that fit him like they claim a lover's embrace would.

But these words mean nothing now.

The only thing worth its' merit to mention,
is that my new armor has been forged inside fire of my eyes.

The walls have been rebuilt.
Fabled Jericho would nod in approval as it marveled at the scale.

My mind is sharper than Excalibur, now that I've pulled it from the stone.

Knowing that i am better off with bitter veins, pumping venom on their own.

And now the page has seen it's fill, for the night has come and gone again.

Just know the vengeful one has returned, and when the pen begins to bleed,

That not a soul will escape the rain.

Now allow me to depart,

And finally bury the fucking fool,

That lived inside my heart.