My, What A Fool I've Been

The title says it all.

In a way I never could.

Short, succinct.

Sharpened to the point.

And so hyperbole is gone.

Leaving only room for brutal truth.

I have been a slave to my doubts.

And been selfish with my gifts.

I've allowed my mind to be dulled by dreams.

And allowed my soul to be tainted with the stain of hope.

For hope is the worst thing one could have.

It makes you weak. Brittle.

Prone to kneeling with lips that spill their whispered wants.

In the hopes that someone will save them.

And no one will.

Because no one is listening.

And i have been the fool that thought because i was willing to change,
that maybe the world would too.

But i was delusional.

A mind clouded and drunk on optimism.

A state that never fit me well.

Because when left to face the truth, the honest know it can't be overlooked.

I had thought my treasure hunt would end.

That all the years of digging deep and moving on wouldn't be for naught.

But my, what a fool i was in.

Dreams of gods and goddesses, entwined in imagined hieros gamos.

A form of pretended transcendence, an escape from the bitterness and pain.

All while ignoring reality.

I wasn't a god engraving his name on gorgeous temple walls.

I was the ugly beast in the bell tower, ringing loud in shame.

Hoping someone would hear his calls.

But he got nothing.

That same nothing that he felt for years.

The familiar numbness that fit him like they claim a lover's embrace would.

But these words mean nothing now.

The only thing worth its' merit to mention,
is that my new armor has been forged inside fire of my eyes.

The walls have been rebuilt.
Fabled Jericho would nod in approval as it marveled at the scale.

My mind is sharper than Excalibur, now that I've pulled it from the stone.

Knowing that i am better off with bitter veins, pumping venom on their own.

And now the page has seen it's fill, for the night has come and gone again.

Just know the vengeful one has returned, and when the pen begins to bleed,

That not a soul will escape the rain.

Now allow me to depart,

And finally bury the fucking fool,

That lived inside my heart.

The Darkness Comes In Waves

"The Darkness Comes In Waves"
2014

This wretched disposition
Seems to fit me like a glove
'Cause I'm more comfortable with thoughts
That are far removed from love
So if this anger boiling up
Tends to burn you at the touch
Just know you are to blame
For suppressing it too much
I've felt the hopelessness return
That I once fought in vain
As reminders from your eyes
Are pouring down like rain
'Cause my darkness comes in waves
With the anger of the tide
And it's eroding everything
That you want to save inside
Now I know you're going to strike
Your favorite victim pose
Pretending not to have your thorns
When I stop reaching for your rose
But I know your sharpest point
Hides just behind your teeth
For I know the wonders of your tongue
And I know there's venom just beneath
I've felt the hopelessness return
That I once fought in vain
As reminders from your eyes
Are pouring down like rain
'Cause my darkness comes in waves
With the anger of the tide
And it's eroding everything
That you want to save inside
You can build your castles on the beach
And display them with your pride
But there's a certain fate for things
That can never be denied
So you can build your walls
To keep these things at bay
'Cause I once tried to do the same
But the pain will never go away
So you can duck and dodge
Or even run and hide
But I'm not seeing any place
With a shred of safety to provide
I've felt the hopelessness return
That I once fought in vain
As reminders from your eyes
Are pouring down like rain
'Cause my darkness comes in waves
With the anger of the tide
And it's eroding everything
That you want to save inside
Oh, dear I think it best
If you saved your breath and prayers
'Cause if there really is a god
I doubt he even cares
'Cause it seems this silly world
Is still spinning it its' space
And I've begun to hate that pretty thing
That some would call your face
'Cause the sight of you annoys
And the sound of you disgusts
And there are some heavy things
That we really must discuss
Tell me, how could I love someone
That I've never truly met
And why should I remember things
That I'm dying to forget
How could I want someone
That I have never fucked
Knowing if I touched that certain spot
I'd hope it made you self-destruct
Because you're nothing to me now
Yeah, less than you ever were
And I'm grateful for every fucking thing
That never did occur
So when my pen finally stops its' bleed
And the ink finally gets to dry
I hope I get to sit back here and watch
As your optimism dies
So you can feel the hopelessness return
That I once fought in vain
As reminders from your eyes
Are pouring down like rain
'Cause my darkness comes in waves
With the anger of the tide
And it's eroding everything
That you want to save inside
I bet you would tell your little friends
About the fool I used to be
But now my skin is peeling back
To reveal the beast I need to be
WIth claws that feel like knives
And teeth with a taste for death
Knowing that revenge is on my mind
For the years of wasted breath
Like telling you so many things
That I never should have said
'Cause I was a fool lost in fantasies
Who lived inside his head
And then you came crashing in
So many moons ago
Promising to lead me into happiness
As I was bathed in your lovely glow
But for all your beauty, dear
The games became too much
A condition on everything
Using negotiation as a crutch
To prop up the broken dreams
That fell to pieces in my eyes
When you knew more than fucking well
That I was different from the guys
That you gave yourself to
Without a contract or a clause
But giving me a sentence full of words
Made you feel worthy of applause?
Now I'd like to give you a hand
Or maybe a pair around your neck
But I'm not the abusive type
The last time I thought to check
So fear not for safety
I lost my lust for touching you
It's just your hopes and self-esteem
That I hope I'm crushing too
I've felt the hopelessness return
That I once fought in vain
As reminders from your eyes
Are pouring down like rain
'Cause my darkness comes in waves
With the anger of the tide
And it's eroding everything
That you want to save inside...

Get Me Off Desire

"Get Me Off Desire"
2014

They say too much of one thing
Is never good for me
And I should never do for those
That never would for me
So why do I keep reaching out
For one whose hands are tied
Leaving her unable to provide
The things I demand with pride
But the devil's said to hide
In the details that I've shared
And I'd be lying if I said
That I had even cared
'Cause in every dream I've had
You were front and center, love
And there's a monkey on my back
That I've failed to rise above
I guess I'm a junkie for a dream
That I've confused with lust
And when I'm in this state
It's myself that I can't trust
So if you can hear my voice
Would you please put out the fire
'Cause I need to be redeemed
So come and get me off desire
I've learned desire is a drug
And I've relapsed so many times
That once it's inside my veins
It spreads throughout my rhymes
So it's when I think of you
That the want becomes a need
And it's to the itch of seven years
That I truly must concede
'Cause even if I'm driving through the days
With the sun inside the skies
There's a cavalcade of things
Going on behind my eyes
And I'm still prone to flash a smile
When you are playing coy
Because there's a certain part of me
That wants to grow and bring you joy
But I guess I'm a junkie for a dream
That I've confused with lust
And when I'm in this state
It's myself that I can't trust
So if you can hear my voice
Would you please put out the fire
'Cause I need to be redeemed
So come and get me off, desire.
I've been trapped in solitude
For what has felt like years
And I've managed to escape the grip
Of my self-doubt and fears
But it's left me here with loads of time
To recall every single thing
And enjoy each sensation that
They are inclined to bring
See, memories have been replayed
Like favored movies on a screen
And I've recalled a satin web
That felt closer to serene
But the candles lit to show the way
Turned a fly into a moth
Who quickly went beyond control
As the widow bit into his soul
I guess I'm a fiend for memories
Being driven by his lust
And when I'm in this state
It's myself that I can't trust
So if you can hear my voice
Would you please put out the fire
'Cause I need to be redeemed
So come and get me off, desire.
And there was another girl
Who made her way into my arms
I was a bit too shy, too nice a guy
And fell victim to her charms
But what she awoke in me
Has not returned to sleep
As if the growing beast had shown
That he was a savage come to reap
And my confidence has been rebuilt
With every grunt and thrust
Then she placed my hands around her neck
Until the positions would adjust
And when I was clothed, she said the words
That went far beyond a flirt
And it made a part of me so difficult
That it then began to hurt
But I guess I'm a fiend for memories
Being driven by his lust
And when I'm in this state
It's myself that I can't trust
So if you can hear my voice
Would you please put out the fire
'Cause I need to be redeemed
So come and get me off, desire
And now there's a gorgeous queen
Who even hates to hear my name
And my friend, I must admit
That my actions are to blame
But truthfully, it was a lack of them
That turned her love to hate
She misconstrued my absence as
Me forcing her to wait
But truthfully, there were some things
That forced me to be away
And there was some trepidation that
There were three words I would say
But I still often dream of her
And imagine how profound
It would be to give her every inch
As I enjoyed her every sound
But that seems so far removed
From where I am forced to stand
That she's only loved through photographs
And the motions of my hand
And if that is too much for you to hear
It's too much for me to live
But I'm content in the knowledge that
I have vast amount to give
To any girl who's brave enough
To scale the crumbling walls
That I put up so long ago
In attempts to truly show
That I was content to be alone
But now? That's not the truth
I'm looking for demi-goddess who will embrace
A passion intensified by wasted youth
'Cause I'm still a junkie for a dream
That I've confused with lust
And when I'm in this state
It's myself that I can't trust
So if you can hear my voice
Would you please put out the fire
'Cause I need to be redeemed
So come and get me off, desire
And I'm sorry to those I've hurt
And I look forward to those I'll please
And may they never be the same
Unless it's a sort of bedroom game
And for now I'll leave my pen
To recover from this prolonged
Bit of sharing with the world,
As I imagine I'm inside the woman I adore,
Who confessed it's to me
That she, belonged.