A Sum Of Everything

"A Sum Of Everything"
2014

Take every year of my life
And saw them into halves
One for the good, one for the bad
One for the tears, one for the laughs
But from the time I left the temple
Until the time I denounced the gods
I found life to be very simple
And yet parts of me have always been at odds
But looking back from present day
I have a bit of clarity in my lens
There have been some that have never left my side
So I'm still counting them as friends
And there have been some who had to die
From disease or circumstance
And at times left me without a partner here
In this grand, self-deprecating dance
And yet survivor's guilt has been a bitch
That has made love to me for years
All while suffocating confidence
With a pillow it slipped inside my fears
And with this streaming flow of consciousness
I feel that I don't really have a point
I'm just thinking of the many days and many ways
I've become accustomed to the grays
And yes, those grays have many shades
Maybe thirteen if you count
But up until this point in time
I really never thought that I would amount
To anything worth anything
Wait, maybe I should change that word
So I won't be so repetitive
As I was during every sob story that you heard
That seemed to leave my ugly lips
Over the face of this last decade
But see, my lonely little fingertips
Almost only felt this bed of nails that I had made
But there I go again with the gloom-and-doom
And some woe-is-me to boot
You'll have to please excuse me that part of me
For it's just a reflex from my youth
It was the way that I had dealt with things
That I didn't care to understand
I would just blame it on my weight and ugly face
Then stick my head back under the sand
But looking back with that clarity
That I once told you that I had
Yes, I've always been a heavy kid
But, honest, I'm really not that bad
Though I will admit to loneliness
From back then up to even now
For I have spent so many nights with a hand
That it wouldn't take long to show you how
Quickly it could be over with
Unless I chose to make last
But that's only when I had some privacy
And didn't have to get there fast
But onto subjects better yet
Let's not linger long on those
'Cause I keep finding ways to rhyme
Though my first intention was for prose
But I guess my gift has become a curse
That makes this sound better when it's read
After all the chaos bleeding symphonies
Making overtures in my head
I'm not really sure what that means
If I must be honest when you ask
'Cause I just felt like writing this
And so I'm seeing out my task
But now I feel that sleep is closing in
It's coming on me like a chill
But it's not that cold inside this room
Yet, you'll get the point I'm making still
But the Clyde you knew as a broken man
Who hated everyone and everything
Knows that when all is said and done and spoken, man
Inside he has a better song to sing
So now he's going to take all the pieces of his life
Every little colored shard
And with this, there's a mosaic he will make
And he'll display it with blatant disregard
Because he's becoming a little prouder
Of the man he's come to be
Since he is a living sum of everything
That he was fortunate to see
So now the ink is drying up
Or maybe I'm falling down beneath the weight
Of eyelids that must weigh a ton
And yet,
Despite being broke, alone, and unemployed.
Despite still being overweight, and largely undesired.
Despite being sleep-deprived and slightly sexually frustrated.
He is still thinking out loud that,
"Man, life is still pretty great.
If that makes any sense at all..."